New Year’s Honours…Seriously?

Once a year, the Queen of England lists her names of those people “honoured” in terms of  their personal achievements or service to the British Empire or it’s territories.

“Candidates are identified by public or private bodies, by government departments or are nominated by members of the public. Depending on their roles, those people selected by committee are submitted either to the Prime Minister, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, or Secretary of State for Defence for their approval before being sent to the Sovereign for final approval.”

So…my question is…looking at just two names on the list…what on earth was anyone thinking with these two??!

Tracey Emin, now a CBE, pictured below…is an “artist”, famed for listing all the men she slept with on a tent, appearing drunk on TV and swearing, and of course, for her masterpiece…”My Bed”, which was an unmade bed…littered with used condoms, empty cigarette packets and blood-soaked underwear.

image by Piers Allardyce

Well…my bed rarely gets made and I don’t get honoured for it..but then I’m not showing it to the world as “art”. Nor am I the owner of blood-stained panties…and I’ve only used condoms once…so maybe that’s where I went wrong?

But this year, I’m in the running for an honour with my plan to enter the Tate Gallery and vomit all over the floor. I’ll call it my “Bulimic Statement”…talk some crap in the hopes of justifying it to a bunch of idiots who’d think taking a shit on linoleum was “art”, and then  George Michael and Elton John can come fight over buying it….whilst I polish my new name-plate!

And as for this guy? Don’t get me started! Once upon a time, you had to slay dragons, save a princess or conquer Normandy to arise as a “Sir”. Now, all you have to do, is excel on your Raleigh Chopper, find some funding and enjoy your hobby at the expense of the tax-payer. This guy, who looks like a reject from the Stone Roses, basically rides a pushbike for his whole life…gets paid for it….then gets a “Sir” before his name!

image courtesy of the BBC

The justice is that with a name like “Bradley Wiggins”, even adding a “sir” to it, doesn’t change the fact that you still sound like you should be the kid who gets bullied in a Harry Potter novel! You can imagine the Queen giggling as she says “Arise Sir….(giggle)….Sorry…Arise Sir….(Snigger)…Sorry again! Ok, I’ve got this…ARISE SIR….(loses self control completely!)”!!

A “Sir”? Should be the court-bloody-jester…on his BMX!!

So, I’m going to practice my “Tiddlywinks”…and when I get back…from defeating France’s best “Tiddlywinker”, I shall expect to be asked to “arise”!!


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